Confused as always!!!

Nowadays wenever some one asks me if i am OK i wanna yell at them and say "No i am not Ok"

Y do u bother if i am Ok or not...is that any of your business ectetc...

But owing to all those professional attitude,proper brought up i tend to smile back at them and say "Yes i am perfectly ok"...But sometimes it hurts to say I am ok whne i am not Ok!!!

These feelings are bothering me a lot nowadays....y do i need to be so amiable to all those xyz's out there who are really not a part of my life ... Why do i simply say a " Yes i will complete it by EOD and send it for the review" when i am sure i am not going to do it by EOD and even if i slog for hours altogether i still cant even finiosh 25% of the assigned work...

Sometimes i turn around and look at all the people who are working like me...with fake smiles plastered on thier faces and whose faces are always filled with tension and the stress....who cant even afford to take a 5 min break to go to loo..i juz wonder why exactly we are doing this....May be some fo us are really intrested in the coding and geeks who love to play with commands...but what about people like me...who wanna see some action who wanna do something different...who wanna be a part of the bigger picture rather tahn standing in the background and slogging day and nite to make our managers smile.....I agree that most of us work for a single appraisal which happens for every 6 months or for that hike which we gonna get durimg the CRR cycle but y cant anyone juz open up and say "Boss this is not what i think i am intrested to do...Lemme try something different".........

Yes u mite say...y dont u urself go and say those things to ur so called manager...but 2 years of this IT screwed up my life...the old self confident me is no longer alive...all u can see is the traces of the bubbly cheerful female who used to reside in this body...Gone were the days when i used to be the energy of the crowd...

I am no longer confident about what i am and what i can be.............................I started cribbing endlessly...cribbing about work,about life, about future,about past,about the plans i didnt follow, about the college days, about the school days, about my diet, about my non existent love life, about my long lost hobbies, about my voice, about those gym classes i never attended, those salsa sessions which i was supposed to attend but backed off due to lack of a suitable partner...

Everything comes back to me and when i analyse the things...i end up in a more confused state...unable to pick up the strings from where i left them...i sit here like a silent spectator watching the life...my life making its steady journey towards a non existent goal with a zero hope that something good mite turn out some where in the middle !!!